Hahaha, yea right! But now that I have your attention Dwayne, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU? Remember when you were the people's champ? I do, and it was awesome. What happened to that guy? What happened to the People's Elbow, The People's Eyebrow and The People's Banana hammock (ok I made that last one up). 12 year old me loved you. He practiced raising his eyebrow daily. He narrowly missed serving time in juvy for accidental homicide when he Rock Bottomed Dash in his basement on numerous occasions. He got detention frequently for using the term "Candy-Ass" and he didn't even mind. It was worth it to him to emulate the personification of AWESOMENESS that was "The Rock." What happened to this guy:
Dwayne, I'm going to call you Dwayne because you no longer deserve the moniker "The Rock." I can understand you being in shitty action movies. I get that, I really do. After a failed NFL career and a stint in a segment of entertainment not known for its stellar acting, logically a film career was the right move. But seriously, let's take a look at some of your movie roles.
The Mummy Returns & The Scorpion King: Acceptable. Bad Ass Warrior, basically an ancient Egyptian version of a wrestler with a sword. These movies blow of course but do not make me hate you.
Be Cool: The beginning of your slip into absurdity. You play a gay bodyguard with dreams of being a pop star. Bodyguard, ok that makes sense. I respect you trying to show some "range" with the gay pop star thing, but this is very un-Rock-like.
DOOM: absolutely retarded. Space Marines are sent to investigate strange events at a research facility on a distant planet but find themselves at the mercy of genetically enhanced killing machines. NOW THIS IS THE PLOT OF A MOVIE FOR THE ROCK! Completely absurd but in essence pretty bad ass. Getting back on track.
The Game Plan: UNACCEPTABLE. Sure you're playing a football player, but you also spend most of the movie bonding with a little girl and corralling a bull dog in a tutu. I'm gathering all this from the movie poster because I'd rather get poked in the eyes repeatedly for 2 hours than watch a former hero fall so far from grace.
Race to Witch Mountain: A cab driver taking alien kids to a mountain... pretty much enough said and really not worth a photo. Color me disappointed DJ.
This brings me to the inspiration for this post Dwayne. Please tell me what the fuck you were thinking when you signed up for this utter fail of epic proportions. I'll let the gay bodyguard, the football player with a heart of gold slide and the babysitting cab driver slide, but this is just too much. The Tooth FAIRY! Why, Dwayne? WHY?
So, once again you dip into ridiculousness while trying to keep one foot in manhood by playing a sports star (Hockey Player) turned jackass. Seriously, I'm so disappointed in you. At least when you played a gay-wannabe-pop star you had the good sense to avoid the word "fairy." In summation, I'm going to need:
more of this:
And Less of This:
So Dwayne, my inner-child pleads that you find your way back to your bad ass roots. I would make a joke about kicking your ass but despite your slide into theatrical dooshery, you are still a beast of a human being and I don't like my chances, short of being armed with a baseball bat and a shitty script to distract you with. Maybe not even then. Perhaps if the script was about a Lacrosse player who designs high-end clothing for cats, I might have a shot. To put it in terms you'll understand, The Ross needs you to stop being such a Candy-Ass Jabroni and get back to being a ridiculous character with giant roid filled biceps, IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROSS IS COOKING!
So Apple is at it again. This time around it's a tablet that is being talked about in hushed tones on the web. I was going to make a joke here about other places where we geeks get together, but we don't really like leaving the house too much so we'll just stick with the interwebs for our example. Wait, STARBUCKS!
For all intents and purposes it appears to just be a giant iPhone. This is an over-simplification of course. Apple has retooled the touch interface in some pretty amazing ways (or so it sounds in the rumor mill).
To be completely honest, I'm new to the Mac brotherhood. I've had an iPhone for about 2 years or so and just recently (last weekend) purchased a MacBookPro. So far, I'm seeing what my Mac friends have been talking about for years. Absolutely loving the interface, no viruses and overall sense of superiority that comes with being a Mac guy. But hopefully I will be able to avoid the fate laid out to me by a fellow MacGeek friend of mine:
me: Ok, anything super awesome I should be aware of now that I've got the MacBook? VP: yes, You will now start wearing tighter jeans, snug fitting t-shirts, prob develop bad eye sight and will buy nerd glasses. You will develop a hatred for PCs you can't explainme: haha, already not happy having to use my work computer and it's been 1 day. nVP: lol, basically you'll start to look more and more like the mac guy from the commercial. Oh, and you'll prob use iMovie once and never use it again
I was pretty relieve to find out that Apple's announcement scheduled for today was going to be regarding a tablet instead of a new MacBook. That would have been such a buzz kill but par for the course I suppose. "Wahoo, I have the latest greatest thing"...for 3 days. Talk about a kick in the nuts. But thankfully, bullet dodged.
I wish just once Apple would be less innovative and more prickish. Really take advantage of their solid and loyal fan-base. How awesome would it be if Steve Jobs came out today and said, "Hello, I am here today to introduce the newest Apple product, the iSlate" and he just held up a stone tablet. "I know some of you may be confused but yes, this is the newest product in the Apple line. No, your eyes do not deceive you this is a stone tablet. BUT, it does have that really cool Apple Logo carved into the back and is immune to computer viruses and spyware! The price of the iSlate is going to be $5,000. Yep that's right. It's a $5,000 rock. Just a rock, that's all. But it's an apple product so you're going to buy it nerds. Suck It! I'm Out!" Mic drop and then he exits the stage to a roar of mixed confusion and outrage. Then 4 weeks later the iSlate becomes the best selling product of the year.
But thankfully for everyone without my odd sense of humor, I'm not going to get my wish. Instead the world is going to get another major jump forward in technology and innovation. Making it easier and easier to live your life without any social interaction. The iPhone was a wonderful way to avoid human contact while out in the real world but my one complaint was always, "It's not big enough to use at home when I'm wanting to ignore my family!" Well ask and ye shall receive!
Jokes aside, for more info (rumors) HERE is a pretty condensed article of what little information is known about the tablet at the moment.
Write On, Ross
UPDATE: Steve has announced the iPad. Cute name. It is basically bridging the gap between iPhone and MacBook. Some quotes from presentation:
"SO all of us use laptops and smartphones... the question has arisen; is there room for something in the middle. We've wondered for years as well -- in order to create that category, they have to be far better at doing some key tasks... better than the laptop, better than the smartphone. What kind of tasks? Browsing the web. Doing email. Enjoying and sharing pics. Watching videos. Enjoying music. Playing games. Reading ebooks."
This is disappointing. Some pretty cool features but silly in my opinion. Too big to be super portable and too small to be adequately useful at home.
So, the iPad is Apple's version of the NetBook. Only more expensive (probably) and more awkward? Steve looks pretty comfortable here doesn't he:
Definitely has some very cool functionality but over all I am underwhelmed. For more screen shots from the presentation click here.
I'm starting this blog to maintain some semblance of sanity in my post-college life. I'm a 26 year old former "writer" and current corporate sell-out. Once upon a time I had aspirations of being a screen-writer, journalist or pretty much anything other than what I am now. I work for a small publishing company in Atlanta as a Senior Technical Editor and Online Product Support Rep. These are fancy corporate titles for being a database manager. Don't let the "Editor" title fool you. I build custom... never mind. It doesn't really matter what I do for money. This blog is about recapturing what I WANTED to do a few years ago. I'm going to try really hard to keep this from turning into a bitter hate blog, but hey, shit annoys me.
Possible Topics:
Sports
Celebrities
Current Events
Movies
TV
Books
Daily Annoyances
So, welcome to my outlet. Hopefully it will be entertaining. Hopefully I won't just be sending my perspective out into the void, but if that's the case, so be it.
