Dwayne Johnson Getting an Oscar Nod?

Hahaha, yea right! But now that I have your attention Dwayne, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU? Remember when you were the people's champ? I do, and it was awesome. What happened to that guy? What happened to the People's Elbow, The People's Eyebrow and The People's Banana hammock (ok I made that last one up). 12 year old me loved you. He practiced raising his eyebrow daily. He narrowly missed serving time in juvy for accidental homicide when he Rock Bottomed Dash in his basement on numerous occasions. He got detention frequently for using the term "Candy-Ass" and he didn't even mind. It was worth it to him to emulate the personification of AWESOMENESS that was "The Rock." What happened to this guy:

Dwayne, I'm going to call you Dwayne because you no longer deserve the moniker "The Rock." I can understand you being in shitty action movies. I get that, I really do. After a failed NFL career and a stint in a segment of entertainment not known for its stellar acting, logically a film career was the right move. But seriously, let's take a look at some of your movie roles.

The Mummy Returns & The Scorpion King: Acceptable. Bad Ass Warrior, basically an ancient Egyptian version of a wrestler with a sword. These movies blow of course but do not make me hate you.

Be Cool: The beginning of your slip into absurdity. You play a gay bodyguard with dreams of being a pop star. Bodyguard, ok that makes sense. I respect you trying to show some "range" with the gay pop star thing, but this is very un-Rock-like.

DOOM: absolutely retarded. Space Marines are sent to investigate strange events at a research facility on a distant planet but find themselves at the mercy of genetically enhanced killing machines. NOW THIS IS THE PLOT OF A MOVIE FOR THE ROCK! Completely absurd but in essence pretty bad ass. Getting back on track.

The Game Plan: UNACCEPTABLE. Sure you're playing a football player, but you also spend most of the movie bonding with a little girl and corralling a bull dog in a tutu. I'm gathering all this from the movie poster because I'd rather get poked in the eyes repeatedly for 2 hours than watch a former hero fall so far from grace.

Race to Witch Mountain: A cab driver taking alien kids to a mountain... pretty much enough said and really not worth a photo. Color me disappointed DJ.

This brings me to the inspiration for this post Dwayne. Please tell me what the fuck you were thinking when you signed up for this utter fail of epic proportions. I'll let the gay bodyguard, the football player with a heart of gold slide and the babysitting cab driver slide, but this is just too much. The Tooth FAIRY! Why, Dwayne? WHY?

So, once again you dip into ridiculousness while trying to keep one foot in manhood by playing a sports star (Hockey Player) turned jackass. Seriously, I'm so disappointed in you. At least when you played a gay-wannabe-pop star you had the good sense to avoid the word "fairy." In summation, I'm going to need:

more of this:

And Less of This:

So Dwayne, my inner-child pleads that you find your way back to your bad ass roots. I would make a joke about kicking your ass but despite your slide into theatrical dooshery, you are still a beast of a human being and I don't like my chances, short of being armed with a baseball bat and a shitty script to distract you with. Maybe not even then. Perhaps if the script was about a Lacrosse player who designs high-end clothing for cats, I might have a shot. To put it in terms you'll understand, The Ross needs you to stop being such a Candy-Ass Jabroni and get back to being a ridiculous character with giant roid filled biceps, IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROSS IS COOKING!



Write On,

Ross