Unacceptable. Twilight Just Got Creepier?

So am I the only person who takes issue with the current Vampire fascination? For one, I was an English major. I've read real Vampire fiction and they don't shimmer like diamonds in the sun. THEY FUCKING EXPLODE INTO DUST. Vampires were originally used to create fear (in women particularly) of outsiders. They were a metaphor for "others" and the way the fear was really driven home was through the use of seduction. Vampires would seduce bitches and then kill them. Thus creating the fear of foreign men, ensuring that the locals kept their ladies and didn't lose them to the exotics.  Is this really the character you want to pervert into an abstinence parable? I hate you Stephanie Meyers.

I'd also like to point out that by transitioning this genre to high school, the Vampires become pedophiles. Just throwing it out there. Dude is 300 years old and she's 17. Just cause he looks 17 doesn't make it any less creepy in my opinion. What does the Mormon church think about that Steph?

But even more than the bastardization of a pretty cool genre, I despise the repackaging. Vampires are scary and awesome, not brooding dooshbags who can't act. And this shift towards the deep, moral, loner vampire is made in an effort to sell shit to the most profitable market out there. Dumb teenage girls. Seriously girls, is Robert Pattinson really hot? Is he? Has anyone ever listened to him speak? He sounds like a retarded ape and looks a little bit like one in my humble opinion.

Well guess what ladies, now you can have your very own creepy, brooding, ape-tard in bed with you every night! This is a combination of my two least favorite things on earth. Bastardized Fiction and Horribly Moronic Merchandise.

No your eyes do not deceive you, that is in fact a Edward Cullen shaped body pillow. Cleverly coined the "Manllow," indicates the beginning of the end of civilization as we know it. This might bump the Snuggie off the top of my "Signs That Most People Are No Longer Capable of Intelligent Thought"  list. I am specifically not going to provide a link to the site where you could purchase this piece of shit because unfortunately I have "friends" that are complete idiots and would happily give money to the jackass that invented this ridiculous hump toy. And quite frankly I can't have that weighing heavy on my soul.

Write On,

Ross