Don't You Dare Do It... Not Sure I Can Take It

Dear Sports Gods,

     I write this letter imploring you not to crap on my heart again. I just really don't think I can take another shot to the nuts like the last two. I don't know what I did to anger you but it seems as if you have some sort of personal vendetta against me.

     As a Red Sox fan, I'm accustomed to disappointment. I'm familiar with the burning hot sense of rage that consumes me when the Yankees win a world series. While I haven't been present for all of them, it's happened 27 times now. And each one has sucked just as much as the one that preceded it. I know the Sox can't win every year, hell they went 86 years without one. And every year the Yankees didn't win it either, I called it a draw. Why do you continue to reward an apathetic fan base? Sure there are some diehards, but there are also plenty of people who are clueless about their "favorite team." Example, after the Yanks won this year I did an impromptu survey. I approached the first person I saw with a Yankees hat the day after they won the series and asked: "Hey man, what was the score of the game last night?" Response: "Oh, ummm... I'm not sure. I didn't see it." My jaw would have fallen off from the shock if I got this response from a fan of any other team, but instead I smiled smuggly to myself and refrained from screaming at him, "You guys won the WORLD SERIES jackass. Give me your hat. You don't deserve it." I kept this to myself for several reasons, mainly he was a huge Puerto Rican gentleman and I'm not retarded. I blame hip hop for this trend in Yankees fans that don't actually like or watch baseball. But seriously, why reward this type of loyalty.

     I was willing to forgive you for ruining my baseball season, but you couldn't stop there could you, you vindictive butthole? No, you had to attack me on another level, didn't you? College Football. Is nothing sacred to you Sports Gods? It wasn't bad enough in '04 when Auburn got shafted out of a shot at the National Championship, but you had to go and do this. You had to give Alabama fans a way to be EVEN more unbearable. It was annoying enough when they brought up their "National Championships"* from the 60's and 70's and incessantly talked about Bear Bryant but now they don't have to reach into the way back machine to annoy the shit out of me... thanks a bunch! Even during the 6 year stretch of Auburn victories over the tide, I could always count on some bammer neck busting out the old, "Well, how many titles you got? BEAR BRYANT, FUCK YEA!" Keep in mind this genius was usually between the ages of 19-22. I don't usually jock the dicks of men who died the year I was born, or celebrate events that transpired before the invention of television, but that's just me I guess. Once again, I don't expect Auburn to win titles every year but if bama doesn't win either, its a draw. And this too would probably be tolerable if you weren't just piling on. Not once in '09 but twice did you grace my sworn enemies with Championship Titles.
 
     So, Sports Gods, what do you have in store for me this Sunday? Every inclination leads me to believe that you are going to bless the New Orleans Saints with a Super Bowl victory. Being a Falcons fan, albeit new to the fold, I have quickly developed a strong distaste for not only the Saints but the state of Louisiana in general (to be fair, this stems more from despising LSU and their dirty bayou-trash fans). This bodes well for the Saints as you've seen fit to dole good tidings to rivals within the conference of my favorite teams. Why not make it 3-for-3? Complete the cycle and the destruction of my psyche. The only thing I've come up with to keep this from happening is to bet my life savings on the Saints. Should I do this, I know you will shine your holy light on the Colts in an effort to drain all pleasure and enjoyment out of the Super Bowl for me. In all honesty, I do not hate the Saints nearly as much as bama and the Yankees but a Saints' Super Bowl victory would top of the sports year with salted wounds.

     I am not an unreasonable man Sports Gods. What can I do to get you back on my side? I will gladly sacrifice that traitorous Canadian fuck, Jason Bay, on your alter (ok, so that one benefits us both, but work with me). Not good enough? How about the Falcons secondary? No? Yea I don't really want it either. What's that you say? I'm not the center of the world and its just a coincidence that my arch-rivals in my two favorite sports won titles in the same year. BULLSHIT SPORTS GODS, THIS IS PERSONAL AND YOU KNOW IT! You have ruined my sports year thus far and I am begging you not to continue with your devious plan to destroy something I take so much pleasure in. On a side note thank you for starting the Grand Slam season off with a Federer win. Would have preferred Roddick, but I can't be picky at this point. It wasn't Nadal or Djokovic, so I'll take it with pleasure. At least consider letting the Colts win. Peyton is funny in all those commercials he whores himself out it. That's worth something isn't it?

Sincerely,

A broken man

*You know why it's in quotes you sneaky bastards. Only school I know that declares themselves National Champions while on probation for NCAA violations.

Write On,

Ross