Happy Saint Patty's Day!

Check it out:

Great Moments in Irish History with Denis Leary - watch more funny videos

Ok, I'm going to go get drunk now. Enjoy my favorite day of the year!

Unacceptable. Twilight Just Got Creepier?

So am I the only person who takes issue with the current Vampire fascination? For one, I was an English major. I've read real Vampire fiction and they don't shimmer like diamonds in the sun. THEY FUCKING EXPLODE INTO DUST. Vampires were originally used to create fear (in women particularly) of outsiders. They were a metaphor for "others" and the way the fear was really driven home was through the use of seduction. Vampires would seduce bitches and then kill them. Thus creating the fear of foreign men, ensuring that the locals kept their ladies and didn't lose them to the exotics.  Is this really the character you want to pervert into an abstinence parable? I hate you Stephanie Meyers.

I'd also like to point out that by transitioning this genre to high school, the Vampires become pedophiles. Just throwing it out there. Dude is 300 years old and she's 17. Just cause he looks 17 doesn't make it any less creepy in my opinion. What does the Mormon church think about that Steph?

But even more than the bastardization of a pretty cool genre, I despise the repackaging. Vampires are scary and awesome, not brooding dooshbags who can't act. And this shift towards the deep, moral, loner vampire is made in an effort to sell shit to the most profitable market out there. Dumb teenage girls. Seriously girls, is Robert Pattinson really hot? Is he? Has anyone ever listened to him speak? He sounds like a retarded ape and looks a little bit like one in my humble opinion.

Well guess what ladies, now you can have your very own creepy, brooding, ape-tard in bed with you every night! This is a combination of my two least favorite things on earth. Bastardized Fiction and Horribly Moronic Merchandise.

No your eyes do not deceive you, that is in fact a Edward Cullen shaped body pillow. Cleverly coined the "Manllow," indicates the beginning of the end of civilization as we know it. This might bump the Snuggie off the top of my "Signs That Most People Are No Longer Capable of Intelligent Thought"  list. I am specifically not going to provide a link to the site where you could purchase this piece of shit because unfortunately I have "friends" that are complete idiots and would happily give money to the jackass that invented this ridiculous hump toy. And quite frankly I can't have that weighing heavy on my soul.

Write On,

Ross

From Jesus to Judas to Who Give's a Shit

So looks like Johnny Damon might be a Brave next year and I couldn't care less. Let the record show, I used to love Johnny. I was one of his biggest fans and defenders. I heard plenty of disses about him throwing like a 6 year old girl (from the few Yankees fans I tolerate and several of my more indignant Braves' buddies), but I defended him. I did. "He hits in the clutch, he's a threat to steal bases, he's a game changer!" I'd say.

But then that neanderthal looking fuck packed up his bags and headed to the dark side for the MLB equivalent of bus fare. Amongst Red Sox Nation he immediately went from Jesus to Judas with a single stroke of a pen. So, needless to say I don't care to defend his weaknesses anymore. How quickly things can change. And now he might be coming to my hometown and I find myself caring very little.

I do however look forward to the wonderful irony of listening to the same jackass nay-sayers who belittled Damon's impact with the Sox, start hailing him as the Braves new savior. I indulged in this hobby seldom after his move to New York because I only know a handful of Yankee fans and even less I care to speak to. But now, I'm sure there will be plenty of people to discuss Damon with and the shoe will definitely be on the other foot.

BUT! Not so fast Bravos. He's not a done deal just yet. Let us not forget about his slippery-fuck agent, the man single-handedly trying to destroy baseball, SCOTT BORAS. The same guy I can almost without hesitation assert, recommended Manny Ramirez shut it down mid-season, pushing ownership to trade him to LA. Boras is already playing his little games telling the Braves that Johnny has a two-year offer from someone (The Pandora Fire Birds perhaps?) but that Damon really wants to play in Atlanta. Similar to statements made two weeks ago about Damon's desire to play in Detroit.

The best thing about Damon potentially coming to Atlanta is that a dream of mine might finally be realized. I have, for quite some time now, wanted to look Johnny Damon in the eye and tell him to fuck himself. Perhaps if we are sharing a city this dream might become a reality. Maybe he'll be slumming it one night drinking at a bar and then I'll see him. And he'll get his up and comings. Oh yes! A piece of my mind he will receive. Ok so what will probably happen is this: I'll see him. Call him a fag under my breath and then thank him for the '04 World Series, offer to buy him a drink and say "Welcome to Atlanta." See, I'm not a total dick.

Write On,

Ross

Seriously NBC, WTF?

Just in case NBC didn't make big enough asses of themselves with the whole CoCo v. Marginally Funny Giant Chin Doosh (obviously, I'm with Conan), they decided to have probably one of the most absurd feasts possible in honor of Black History Month. Just in case you think I'm exaggerating, here is a picture taken by QuestLove that he posted on his twitter earlier today:

This is just unbelievable. The only way this could be more offensive is if they were more specific about the "Fountain Soda." You know they meant Purple Drink. Also, no watermelon? Don't half ass it NBC. If you insist on marginalizing Black culture during a month when we are supposed to be celebrating their contribution to our society, go all out. Also, you're NBC don't be so cheap. Throw in some spinners, lottery tickets and a free Jay-Z CD.

This doesn't read funny either. I would love to think it was just a some-what inappropriate joke, which I'm always a fan of. Hell I would have applauded it if they had just put something like "haha," "lol" or "just kidding" on there somewhere. That's always been the purpose of humor and comedy in my opinion. To level the playing field for everyone by making fun of everything. I subscribe to the South Park approach.

So as I see it, NBC doesn't like Redheaded Irish Catholics and think very little of Black History Month to say the least. I'm just waiting til someone posts a picture of the new sign outside the NBC lot. I imagine it looks something like this:

 

Maybe they just missed the memo but I was told by some pretty reputable sources that racism was over. I thought we were living in post-racial America now. Get with the times NBC. This is actually starting to make some sense. NBC fears change. Shit-Canning Conan in favor of the old, reliable, comfortable, albeit not as funny Leno. Sticking to antiquated stereotypes regarding African American diet.  Get your collective heads out of your asses! Its cute when grandparents hold onto the old ways to an inappropriate level but you're NBC not my Nana. So, I leave you with this:

Write On,

Ross

Don't You Dare Do It... Not Sure I Can Take It

Dear Sports Gods,

     I write this letter imploring you not to crap on my heart again. I just really don't think I can take another shot to the nuts like the last two. I don't know what I did to anger you but it seems as if you have some sort of personal vendetta against me.

     As a Red Sox fan, I'm accustomed to disappointment. I'm familiar with the burning hot sense of rage that consumes me when the Yankees win a world series. While I haven't been present for all of them, it's happened 27 times now. And each one has sucked just as much as the one that preceded it. I know the Sox can't win every year, hell they went 86 years without one. And every year the Yankees didn't win it either, I called it a draw. Why do you continue to reward an apathetic fan base? Sure there are some diehards, but there are also plenty of people who are clueless about their "favorite team." Example, after the Yanks won this year I did an impromptu survey. I approached the first person I saw with a Yankees hat the day after they won the series and asked: "Hey man, what was the score of the game last night?" Response: "Oh, ummm... I'm not sure. I didn't see it." My jaw would have fallen off from the shock if I got this response from a fan of any other team, but instead I smiled smuggly to myself and refrained from screaming at him, "You guys won the WORLD SERIES jackass. Give me your hat. You don't deserve it." I kept this to myself for several reasons, mainly he was a huge Puerto Rican gentleman and I'm not retarded. I blame hip hop for this trend in Yankees fans that don't actually like or watch baseball. But seriously, why reward this type of loyalty.

     I was willing to forgive you for ruining my baseball season, but you couldn't stop there could you, you vindictive butthole? No, you had to attack me on another level, didn't you? College Football. Is nothing sacred to you Sports Gods? It wasn't bad enough in '04 when Auburn got shafted out of a shot at the National Championship, but you had to go and do this. You had to give Alabama fans a way to be EVEN more unbearable. It was annoying enough when they brought up their "National Championships"* from the 60's and 70's and incessantly talked about Bear Bryant but now they don't have to reach into the way back machine to annoy the shit out of me... thanks a bunch! Even during the 6 year stretch of Auburn victories over the tide, I could always count on some bammer neck busting out the old, "Well, how many titles you got? BEAR BRYANT, FUCK YEA!" Keep in mind this genius was usually between the ages of 19-22. I don't usually jock the dicks of men who died the year I was born, or celebrate events that transpired before the invention of television, but that's just me I guess. Once again, I don't expect Auburn to win titles every year but if bama doesn't win either, its a draw. And this too would probably be tolerable if you weren't just piling on. Not once in '09 but twice did you grace my sworn enemies with Championship Titles.
 
     So, Sports Gods, what do you have in store for me this Sunday? Every inclination leads me to believe that you are going to bless the New Orleans Saints with a Super Bowl victory. Being a Falcons fan, albeit new to the fold, I have quickly developed a strong distaste for not only the Saints but the state of Louisiana in general (to be fair, this stems more from despising LSU and their dirty bayou-trash fans). This bodes well for the Saints as you've seen fit to dole good tidings to rivals within the conference of my favorite teams. Why not make it 3-for-3? Complete the cycle and the destruction of my psyche. The only thing I've come up with to keep this from happening is to bet my life savings on the Saints. Should I do this, I know you will shine your holy light on the Colts in an effort to drain all pleasure and enjoyment out of the Super Bowl for me. In all honesty, I do not hate the Saints nearly as much as bama and the Yankees but a Saints' Super Bowl victory would top of the sports year with salted wounds.

     I am not an unreasonable man Sports Gods. What can I do to get you back on my side? I will gladly sacrifice that traitorous Canadian fuck, Jason Bay, on your alter (ok, so that one benefits us both, but work with me). Not good enough? How about the Falcons secondary? No? Yea I don't really want it either. What's that you say? I'm not the center of the world and its just a coincidence that my arch-rivals in my two favorite sports won titles in the same year. BULLSHIT SPORTS GODS, THIS IS PERSONAL AND YOU KNOW IT! You have ruined my sports year thus far and I am begging you not to continue with your devious plan to destroy something I take so much pleasure in. On a side note thank you for starting the Grand Slam season off with a Federer win. Would have preferred Roddick, but I can't be picky at this point. It wasn't Nadal or Djokovic, so I'll take it with pleasure. At least consider letting the Colts win. Peyton is funny in all those commercials he whores himself out it. That's worth something isn't it?

Sincerely,

A broken man

*You know why it's in quotes you sneaky bastards. Only school I know that declares themselves National Champions while on probation for NCAA violations.

Write On,

Ross

Dwayne Johnson Getting an Oscar Nod?

Hahaha, yea right! But now that I have your attention Dwayne, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU? Remember when you were the people's champ? I do, and it was awesome. What happened to that guy? What happened to the People's Elbow, The People's Eyebrow and The People's Banana hammock (ok I made that last one up). 12 year old me loved you. He practiced raising his eyebrow daily. He narrowly missed serving time in juvy for accidental homicide when he Rock Bottomed Dash in his basement on numerous occasions. He got detention frequently for using the term "Candy-Ass" and he didn't even mind. It was worth it to him to emulate the personification of AWESOMENESS that was "The Rock." What happened to this guy:

Dwayne, I'm going to call you Dwayne because you no longer deserve the moniker "The Rock." I can understand you being in shitty action movies. I get that, I really do. After a failed NFL career and a stint in a segment of entertainment not known for its stellar acting, logically a film career was the right move. But seriously, let's take a look at some of your movie roles.

The Mummy Returns & The Scorpion King: Acceptable. Bad Ass Warrior, basically an ancient Egyptian version of a wrestler with a sword. These movies blow of course but do not make me hate you.

Be Cool: The beginning of your slip into absurdity. You play a gay bodyguard with dreams of being a pop star. Bodyguard, ok that makes sense. I respect you trying to show some "range" with the gay pop star thing, but this is very un-Rock-like.

DOOM: absolutely retarded. Space Marines are sent to investigate strange events at a research facility on a distant planet but find themselves at the mercy of genetically enhanced killing machines. NOW THIS IS THE PLOT OF A MOVIE FOR THE ROCK! Completely absurd but in essence pretty bad ass. Getting back on track.

The Game Plan: UNACCEPTABLE. Sure you're playing a football player, but you also spend most of the movie bonding with a little girl and corralling a bull dog in a tutu. I'm gathering all this from the movie poster because I'd rather get poked in the eyes repeatedly for 2 hours than watch a former hero fall so far from grace.

Race to Witch Mountain: A cab driver taking alien kids to a mountain... pretty much enough said and really not worth a photo. Color me disappointed DJ.

This brings me to the inspiration for this post Dwayne. Please tell me what the fuck you were thinking when you signed up for this utter fail of epic proportions. I'll let the gay bodyguard, the football player with a heart of gold slide and the babysitting cab driver slide, but this is just too much. The Tooth FAIRY! Why, Dwayne? WHY?

So, once again you dip into ridiculousness while trying to keep one foot in manhood by playing a sports star (Hockey Player) turned jackass. Seriously, I'm so disappointed in you. At least when you played a gay-wannabe-pop star you had the good sense to avoid the word "fairy." In summation, I'm going to need:

more of this:

And Less of This:

So Dwayne, my inner-child pleads that you find your way back to your bad ass roots. I would make a joke about kicking your ass but despite your slide into theatrical dooshery, you are still a beast of a human being and I don't like my chances, short of being armed with a baseball bat and a shitty script to distract you with. Maybe not even then. Perhaps if the script was about a Lacrosse player who designs high-end clothing for cats, I might have a shot. To put it in terms you'll understand, The Ross needs you to stop being such a Candy-Ass Jabroni and get back to being a ridiculous character with giant roid filled biceps, IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROSS IS COOKING!



Write On,

Ross

Speculation About Apple Announcing a New Product Today: Trendy Nerds' Skinny Jeans Get Even Tighter Around the World

So Apple is at it again. This time around it's a tablet that is being talked about in hushed tones on the web. I was going to make a joke here about other places where we geeks get together, but we don't really like leaving the house too much so we'll just stick with the interwebs for our example. Wait, STARBUCKS!

For all intents and purposes it appears to just be a giant iPhone. This is an over-simplification of course. Apple has retooled the touch interface in some pretty amazing ways (or so it sounds in the rumor mill).

To be completely honest, I'm new to the Mac brotherhood. I've had an iPhone for about 2 years or so and just recently (last weekend) purchased a MacBookPro. So far, I'm seeing what my Mac friends have been talking about for years. Absolutely loving the interface, no viruses and overall sense of superiority that comes with being a Mac guy. But hopefully I will be able to avoid the fate laid out to me by a fellow MacGeek friend of mine:

me: Ok, anything super awesome I should be aware of now that I've got the MacBook?
 VP: yes, You will now start wearing tighter jeans, snug fitting t-shirts, prob develop bad eye sight and will buy nerd glasses. You will develop a hatred for PCs you can't explain me: haha, already not happy having to use my work computer and it's been 1 day.
 nVP: lol, basically you'll start to look more and more like the mac guy from the commercial. Oh, and you'll prob use iMovie once and never use it again

I was pretty relieve to find out that Apple's announcement scheduled for today was going to be regarding a tablet instead of a new MacBook. That would have been such a buzz kill but par for the course I suppose. "Wahoo, I have the latest greatest thing"...for 3 days. Talk about a kick in the nuts. But thankfully, bullet dodged.

I wish just once Apple would be less innovative and more prickish. Really take advantage of their solid and loyal fan-base. How awesome would it be if Steve Jobs came out today and said, "Hello, I am here today to introduce the newest Apple product, the iSlate" and he just held up a stone tablet. "I know some of you may be confused but yes, this is the newest product in the Apple line. No, your eyes do not deceive you this is a stone tablet. BUT, it does have that really cool Apple Logo carved into the back and is immune to computer viruses and spyware! The price of the iSlate is going to be $5,000. Yep that's right.  It's a $5,000 rock. Just a rock, that's all. But it's an apple product so you're going to buy it nerds. Suck It! I'm Out!" Mic drop and then he exits the stage to a roar of mixed confusion and outrage. Then 4 weeks later the iSlate becomes the best selling product of the year.

But thankfully for everyone without my odd sense of humor, I'm not going to get my wish. Instead the world is going to get another major jump forward in technology and innovation. Making it easier and easier to live your life without any social interaction. The iPhone was a wonderful way to avoid human contact while out in the real world but my one complaint was always, "It's not big enough to use at home when I'm wanting to ignore my family!" Well ask and ye shall receive! 

Jokes aside, for more info (rumors) HERE is a pretty condensed article of what little information is known about the tablet at the moment.



Write On,
Ross

UPDATE: Steve has announced the iPad. Cute name. It is basically bridging the gap between iPhone and MacBook. Some quotes from presentation:

 "SO all of us use laptops and smartphones... the question has arisen; is there room for something in the      middle. We've wondered for years as well -- in order to create that category, they have to be far better at doing some key tasks... better than the laptop, better than the smartphone. What kind of tasks? Browsing the web. Doing email. Enjoying and sharing pics. Watching videos. Enjoying music. Playing games. Reading ebooks."

This is disappointing. Some pretty cool features but silly in my opinion. Too big to be super portable and too small to be adequately useful at home.

So, the iPad is Apple's version of the NetBook. Only more expensive (probably) and more awkward? Steve looks pretty comfortable here doesn't he:

Definitely has some very cool functionality but over all I am underwhelmed. For more screen shots from the presentation click here.

So It Begins...

Hello and welcome to my self-indulgence.

I'm starting this blog to maintain some semblance of sanity in my post-college life. I'm a 26 year old former "writer" and current corporate sell-out. Once upon a time I had aspirations of being a screen-writer, journalist or pretty much anything other than what I am now. I work for a small publishing company in Atlanta as a Senior Technical Editor and Online Product Support Rep. These are fancy corporate titles for being a database manager. Don't let the "Editor" title fool you. I build custom... never mind. It doesn't really matter what I do for money. This blog is about recapturing what I WANTED to do a few years ago. I'm going to try really hard to keep this from turning into a bitter hate blog, but hey, shit annoys me.

Possible Topics:

Sports
Celebrities
Current Events
Movies
TV
Books
Daily Annoyances

So, welcome to my outlet. Hopefully it will be entertaining. Hopefully I won't just be sending my perspective out into the void, but if that's the case, so be it. 

Write On,

Ross